cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.