when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Just grow your own