constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.