When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You Might Also Like
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
accurate
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.