That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Breaking news:
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.