Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.