[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
my lower back watching me try to live my life