Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You Might Also Like
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Goat cheese is for herders.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.