Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”