If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?