Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
good for her
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT