My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
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My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The pasta is now
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.