Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Support your local cemetery
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.