My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
meow
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email