Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.