Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
You Might Also Like
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?