If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Monday?
No. Next question.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?