It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
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For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
fixed it
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef