What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.