Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Coffee for people with no kids
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.