My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
went fishing caught a bass
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost