Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?