Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.