the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
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Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED