Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
consequences, the bane of my existence
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now