Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.