A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe