I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
New tinder profile pic
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.