Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Great game to play with friends
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…