Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
thanksgiving in nutshell
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.