friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT