Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes