“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
This is me
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.