My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples