*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
This is hilarious….
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon