You Might Also Like
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
This raises questions
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”