ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.