I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.