Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
what’s really going on
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.