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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
A friend helps you before you need it
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him