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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.