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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
my retirement plan is braless
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
no cat here
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away