After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.