*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
next level snooze
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*