Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?