[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My last name is Zilla.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.