The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
for all #parents out there
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy