*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You Might Also Like
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Can’t. Being lazy.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.