Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot