If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
drew a comic about my origin story
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.